The empty chair.
A number of you have asked how we are doing. I guess the answer is ‘we are getting there’. It’s been a whirlwind couple of months, our lives are forever changed.
We have been trying to move on – whatever that means … trying to cope with the changes in our lives. Most of the time we have been trying to distract ourselves from the reality of the situation … the fact that our baby is gone… she is not just staying the night at nana’s place for a bit, but actually not here anymore, somewhere else, only God knows…
‘Kezi is in heaven with Jesus’ we say to Pet and Zach, but what does that really mean… only God knows… Distraction has come as a blessing, time to do other things, to spend time with ourselves, to go away from this house… where most of our lives have been with Kez for the last couple of years. Distraction works while away, on holiday, in a different zone, mentally and physically, however wherever we go… Kez is not there… There is always an empty chair… at the table, at the park, at the beach… a missing set of footprints running along… a missing chatter from the back of the car… a missing song… a missing voice… It is agonising the continual void, the space that has now replaced her body… our journey has changed so much and it hurts now more than ever.
We have just come back from a week away up north, a magnificent place to stay, and wonderful times at the beach. One day we took a journey, somewhere we had never been before, I had a chance to pop to the beach by myself, a time alone, a break from others for a few moments, then it hit all over again… I looked up and down the deserted beach, not a soul as far as I could see, I waded into the ocean, and a thought came into my mind… ‘what would Kez be doing’… I well knew, she would be running as fast as she could into the wind along the deserted beach, she had done that so many times, we have her on video running so far that she almost disappeared from view it was so far away… not this beach, not this day, not today… I wrote in the sand ‘daddy loves Kezia’ and tears welled in my eyes and heart.
It is so hard, we are home to a quiet house, and things are becoming so normal. We want to move on, but does that mean we lose our baby? … is moving on just trying to forget, or trying to remember… either way it hurts. People talk about steps through grief, then they say everyone is different… I guess none of them have lost their baby because from what I know it’s more about a hard time than grieving, more about remembering than forgetting, so really only God can know the loss of a child like me… because each situation is so different, each love so unique, each baby so precious to their daddy.
I recall the first message at church after Kez was diagnosed, Sam was giving the message, he spoke about giving God our precious … I cried throughout the whole message, as if I had a glimpse of what God had planned. Because if we hold onto something too hard, if we love something more than our focus on God … maybe God will use that to help us grow, or to help others grow. So why can’t it just happen to someone else, so I can hear their message, read their story and learn from them, I guess we decided a long time ago that we wanted to serve God, to serve his purpose, to be his servants on this earth. Sometimes I wish we hadn’t, maybe it could have been someone else…
Yes, sure, don’t get all depressed on my behalf, I am trying to work through something, and I know a lot of you are too. Throughout all of this adventure God has been good to us; we have been blessed in more ways than I can explain now. It gets to a point where I feel it’s time to share.
Please don’t forget what is important in this life, the one thing we will all run out of is time. I keep thinking ‘if only I knew that it was going to happen that day… I would have done things so differently’ the last things I did with Kez in the days leading up to her leaving were times I will never forget… I got to take her for a walk around the block, I took her to the playground, but she didn’t want to swing, I took her to the shop, she wanted a new necklace, but the shop was closed, we went around another block because she didn’t was to go home quite yet, every time she spoke I could not hear her properly so I had to stop and crouch down to chat with her… such a precious time. I am so thankful for each of the little moments spent with her, but always wish for more.
I see children the same age as Kez and realise that we will see them grow up… but not our baby… I looked into the eyes of a beautiful little friend of Kez last week at church, the eyes of a beautiful little lady, eyes full of life, eyes with a hunger for life, eyes so wide and intent of conquering this world, eyes so beautiful. I have the knowledge that I will see this little girl grow up, compete at sports, win awards, finish school, find a handsome prince, get married, have her own babies, see a life long and full. I know Kez’s loving little friend who had already experienced so much life with Kez… she won’t be there to share a life of girly adventures together …
After Kez left I was rushing around the house trying to find any little drawing, little picture, any little toy or treasure that she had held, looking through every photo, every piece of video, looking for her… there will be no new moments, no special cuddles, no little tickles …. not for a while…. I miss you beautiful Kez.